To be honest, I am not sure where/how to start. I guess I truly have NO ONE to vent to; I fell madly in love with my sons father when I was barely 17 and he was just 18. We met in school and were inseperable from day 1. Now, close to a decade later we have a 2yr old and we've been in turmoil for years now! Years of pyschological and extreme physical/sexual abuse has pushed my mind so far gone its devastating! I threw ALL my friends away(literally)each day pushing what family I have further away ;( I have been on/off meds for years running place to place to hide from him-it wouldnt be a problem if he would STOP THE ABUSE but, Ive lost myself and wish I was the mother I told myself Id always be! ALL excuses aside I wouldve vanished years ago but I got pregnant. At first it was alright until he hit me nearly breaking my jaw when I was 5mos prego... also not knowing ALL these years he had been running around and has admitted to at least 100 girls maybe more. Now, Im 23 have HPV and herpes2. The HPV has caused severe scarring and in the last 2 years of treatment 6 golfball to softball size squamous cell tumors have been removed. I have not, will not, and cant get close to anyone for all the knowledge of how horrible people can be and what Ive been diagnosed with ;(...where do I start? How do I stop struggling to keep my chin up everyday with the biggest most fake smile/lifestyle one could posess?! Its not lack of love for my son by any means, just lack of love for myself and Im exhausted of being jaded youth. I wanted a huge family, wedding, bestfriend/lover/companion and Im everything I never thought Id be...please help me with some advice. P.S. I DONT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF OR WANT PITY! Just help, a friendly voice, common ground with anyone who has shared similiar events. Im sorry so long I felt the urge to not be a coward and finally shed a little light about myself.